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Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 6,
1997
I'M WITHered, unemployed, and downright STUPID Yo, TOMMY i have a sneaking suspicion this is a counterfeit HILFIGER GEPHARDT getting the nomination? The odds are maybe 1 IN 2000 I BELIEVE CLINTON has a lot of gall. This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a set of glow-in-the-dark rosary beads. Stephen was wandering through a political memorabilia store when he saw a T-shirt that read, "I SLEPT IN a motel two miles from THE WHITE HOUSE". He suggests that you come up with similar signs for a T-shirt or a bumper sticker that hide the real message in tiny type. First-prize winner gets a beautiful plaque of wood on which has been elaborately mounted what appears to be the foot of a small hawk or a large chicken. This is worth $50. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's
T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational
bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and
originality. Mail your entries to The Style
Invitational, Week 225, c/o The Report from Week 222, in which you were asked to define new words formed by the headings on the top of the Yellow Pages. Many folks defined "airport-alcoholism" as the state to which nervous travelers must fortify themselves before flights, and "bail-bakers" as specialists in making cakes with files in them. Sixth Runner-Up: Bungee-Burglar -- n. A thief who specializes in properties with floor sensor alarm systems. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville) Fifth Runner-Up: Fireproofing-Fish -- v. Performing useless make-work, as in "He was a disaster as director of marketing, so they kicked him upstairs and they've got him fireproofing fish." (Philip Delduke, Bethesda) Fourth Runner-Up: Needlework-Newspapers -- n. Amish periodicals. Most recent issue announced the end of World War I. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon) Third Runner-Up: Beauty-Beer -- n. The last drink necessary before you decide that she is worth a one-night stand. (Jim D'Amico, Paineville, Ohio) Second Runner-Up: Junk-Karate -- n. An art of self-defense featuring noogies and Indian burns. (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia) First Runner-Up: Bathroom-Bearings -- n. Innate ability that allows an inebriate to always find the lavatory. (Barney Kaufman, Manassas) And the winner of the Betty Boop clock and calendar: Lawn-Lawyers -- n. Weeds. (Robin D. Grove, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: Aluminum-Amusement -- n. The painful dating alternative before the invention of the inflatable woman. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Asphalt-Assisted -- adj. The primary method of death in Mafia-related cases. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Baby-Bags -- n. The puffiness beneath the eyes often seen in new parents. (Tina Winters, Arlington) Bail-Bathroom -- n. A pay toilet. (Jack Wallenfelt, Upper Marlboro) Business-CPR -- n. Chapter 11. (Catherine O. Kaplan, Washington) Carpet-Cash -- n. Money earned at the cost of a little rug burn. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Child-Chiropractors -- n. Schoolyard bullies who twist smaller kids into little balls. (John Kammer, Herndon) Chiropractic-Churches -- n. Houses of worship where the message is the massage. (Michael A. Genz, Washington) Contact-Contractors -- n. A euphemism for prostitutes. (Scott Douglas, Washington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Convention-Copper -- n. A member of the Status Quo Police. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Credit-Crematories -- n. Bankruptcy courts. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Display-Dog -- n. The beautifully groomed and obedient pet that you show off to visitors, while hiding your actual scruffy, leg-humping mutt in the basement. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Driving-Druggists -- n. Not as well publicized, but every bit as dangerous as driving-drinkers. (Barney Kaufman, Manassas) Editorial-Elastic -- n. A retraction. "Today's newspaper was filled with editorial-elastic." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Escort-Excavating -- n. Digging up a date at the last minute. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Hair-Hammocks -- n. Strands of hair that balding men stretch across wide expanses of bare pate. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) House-Human -- n. The term by which most house-cats refer to the people who serve them. (Michael J. Hammer, Washington) Gas-Gazebos -- n. Outhouses. (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Language-Laundries -- n. Where well-to-do parents take their children to have their mouths washed out with soap. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) Lawn-Lawyer -- n. A little statue you place in your front yard so the dogs will stop bothering the fire hydrant. (David Genser, Arlington) Marriage-Mason -- n. A famous divorce attorney who never lost a case. (David Genser, Arlington) Marble-Medical -- n. Mattresses-Meat -- n. Easy prey at a night spot. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) Mental-Messenger -- n. A disgruntled bicycle courier. "Get nipped by a mental-messenger once, and you learn to step aside quickly on sidewalks." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; David Genser, Arlington) Organs-Outboard -- n. A method of dress made popular in California, but illegal in other states. (Philip Vitale, Arlington) Perfume-Pest -- n. Department store employee who preys on innocent shoppers, spraying them with the fragrance du jour. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Power-Priests -- n. One of a set of religious action figures. Collection also includes the Pastors of Doom and the Wrathful Rabbis. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Roommate-Rubbish -- n. Stories women tell to keep from inviting men back to their apartments. "It was going real well until she gave me that roommate-rubbish." (Russ Beland, Springfield) Screening-Screws -- n. See casting couch. (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.) Sewer-Sewing -- n. Dressmaking style that features lots of piping. (Sandra Hull, Arlington) Television-Temporary -- adj. Denoting a short-lived state of apparent wisdom or knowledge. "We should all be thankful to Ken Burns for giving the country a television-temporary understanding of the Civil War." (Joseph Romm, Washington) Truck-Typewriters -- n. The predecessors to today's safer car phones and car faxes. (Paul Adams, Greensburg, Pa.) Upholsterers-Vacuum -- n. The dead zone in a chair or sofa into which change, car keys and combs tend to fall. (Russ Beland, Springfield) Vertical-Veterinarians -- n. Giraffe doctors. (David Genser, Arlington) Wedding-Weight -- n. About three sizes ago. (Jane Hanna, Leesburg) Woodworking-Word -- n. %&@+!, as in "%&@+! I cut my finger on the saw." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Next Week: Attempting Reentry
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